Every day like today, while the sun is setting down, I take the same route. I’m walking through the forest, heading towards a big house by the river.
This house, is the one I was born. In this house I had lived since 17. Then I left. I never went back inside this house. The only closer I’ve got is 70 meters away.
I had many reasons that made me abandon this house; That made me leave my family and never see them again. Actually, it wasn’t a big family. It’s just my parents and myself; their only child, their only boy.
Like everybody else, I have no memories from my first five years. I suppose that must be good! Sadly, all the other memories have hurt me a lot.
At the age of seven, my beloved mother passed away. She died peacefully in her sleep, and I’m sure that this was her only peaceful time of her whole life. Despite my sadness (I wanted to leave, to run away from everything) I stayed.
I stayed living with my ….let’s say with the man who married my mother and after nine months I came to …Earth!
Life sucks, there were so many times that I wished that night (nine months before I was born) my beloved mother had had a …headache! Unfortunately she had not!
Anyway, as I mentioned before, every time I have my birthday, I’m coming near the house that I grew up. I had never approached less than 70 meters away. I just stand still –and safe- in this distance staring at it.
Now, this house is abandoned. Shrubs and climbing plants are dancing in the flesh of this ruined house. My father ….ehmmm, the guy who married my mother, has passed away too. Everything seems dead now. I am staring at the house, it’s night, but tonight it’s a rainy night. This is strange, because I was born in the middle of the summer. As the rain flatters my hair, I decide to step into the house. I don’t know why I did that. I guess that I have nothing left to fear now.
I am approaching very frightened, and when I reach the outside door I stop. The only thing I had to do is open the door. But I was scared. This fear was something above me. But, shall I have any chance in the future?
So I open the door. I notice all the furniture covered with dust. The mirrors on the walls covered with sheets. It was just like they didn’t want anyone to see what had happened there a long time ago.
I headed to my mother’s room, there where everything had begun.
When I reached the room, I saw my mother. I saw her crying as she was holding me in her hug. There were no tears of happiness, these were tears of pain, tears of fear. Suddenly I saw my …the guy who married my mother. He was angry, he was screaming to my mother. My mother and I were crying while he was screaming. I saw him (again) as he was beating my mother all over her body. I saw her trying to hold me tight, as she was trying to protect me.
I would give everything to turn back time! To be stronger than I was! To protect my mother and myself! But when I was a kid, I wasn’t brave, I was a coward. I close the door very loud.
So loud that it was like I wanted to say to …the guy who married my mother: “Stop! Enough! Get the Hell away from my mother!”.
My eyes now are wet, I almost cried, but I said to myself that I must not cry, I must not cry …again.
Now, I have only one thing to do: To open the door of my own room. Who knows what I would face? I didn’t. I was afraid, because I believed that I was going to see me, and my …mother’s husband in this room. To hear me screaming again. To see me crying again. There are memories that haunt me from this room, from this house. I thought for a moment to leave, to run away. But, this was my last time here. I longed to see my old room again, hopefully to see it with colors.
I opened the door. My room was just like I left it. A bed, and some (dusty now) toys. I also had a small bookcase on the wall. These books (and my mother) made me what I am today.
I look closely, and under the blanket, I see myself! What a feeling to come back in time and see yourself! I was sleeping so peacefully!
I couldn’t resist. I took myself on my hug (carefully trying not to wake me up). I kiss me in my forehead. I saw my tears falling to the baby’s cheek. My tears were falling from me, to me.
I whispered to me “don’t worry, everything will be fine” as my mother used to say to me.
I put myself again to bed, covered me carefully with the blanket. Before leaving the room, I turned on the light.
Then I left. Since then, I never came back to the house. I know that someday I will, but I also know that I lie.